


Catching Icarus

by Nocturnal_Leanings



Series: 177(6) Verse gifts [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: 177(6) verse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, Gen, Guilt, M/M, Mentions of Death, Other, Polyamory, alex is a sad bean, alexander hamilton: human disaster and ultimate capitalist, i fell headlong into this fandom and can't escape, not about the romance, well the beginning is fluffy too, where to begin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-07-15 17:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7232746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal_Leanings/pseuds/Nocturnal_Leanings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander makes his Econ professor cry. Its not his fault they're weak af.</p>
<p>AKA</p>
<p>Alexander Hamilton has problems™</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gift for Kookookarli's fantastic 177(6) verse, which is amazing, you should all check it out. I will link this to the first fiction in her series (well the second, but the first is a prequel) so you can go through and read that first.</p>
<p>First fic on AO3! Woop woop. Next up? Ironsoldier, cause I am a marvel slut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ashilrak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashilrak/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Yes We Get It, You're A Patriot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7160525) by [ashilrak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashilrak/pseuds/ashilrak). 



> You will want to read the 177(6) Verse first. In short, the Hamilsquad are all at the same college. Chaos ensues.
> 
> Kookookarli, you deserve all the fic and I hope my little contribution makes you happy. <3

Adotfightme: so u know the econ teacher

Jdotlaw: alex……

Jdotlaw: A L E X A N D E R did u seriously fight sorokin in class

Adotfightme: is that his name, i thouht it was supermassive black-ass-hole

Tailorsoldierspy: peggy y would u introduce him to that band

Shotshotshot: wait..wat? and Muse are fuckign AMAZE dont u start mr disney movie

Lagayette: c'est vrai? that you, how you say, crushed him? in russian?

Adotfightme: i wouldnt say crush but yeah, 

Morelikedamnilton: wait i heard from @nelsonma he ran out the lec theater crying?

Angelsky: i heaard him crying

Adotfightme: he was so wrong tho, like fuKIGN SOCIALISM DOESNT WORK LOOK AT UR COUNTRY he si teaching kids this shit man, t couldnt go on.

Tailorsoldierspy: u pulled the 'first secretary of the treasury' card didnt u

Mamjer: i think he did but it was in RUSSIAN so nobody KNOWS

Mamjer: also, @adotfightme you too are a kid?

Jdotlaw: wait up a sec, alex how do u kno russian

Jdotlaw: p sure it was just french and spanish last time round

Lagayette: was french not good enough for u? mon petit lion? CE N'EST PAS BIEN!

Adotfightme: nononno ok 

Adotfightme: 1. j'adore parler francais, it is my mother tongue

Adotfightme: 2. yes i TALKED TO prof.asshole it isnt my fault hes weak k

Adotfightme: 3. yes i speak russian, look how am i meant to know abt the economy if i dont kno how to read their blogs man, not everyone speaks english

Morelikedamnilton: u do have a talented tongue

Tomjemmings: wait how tlented are we talking

Angelsky: ^

Tailorsoldierspy: y'all are thirsty, calm down

Tomjemmings: NOT LIKE THAT

Mamjer: mmhmm

Angelsky: yes like that

Tomjemmings: i MEANT how many languages does he speak

Jdotlaw: dunno. @adotfightme ?

Colderthancold: I heard him use Italian curses in polisci a few times

Morelikedamnilton: ok burr, noone asked u but thanks anyway

Tailorsoldierspy:shit i gotta run to textile design c u l8r, @adotfightme we will b talking abt this

Tomjemmings: where even is he

Angelsky: probs hiding

Morelikedamnilton: why tho?

Mamjer: probably because if gwash hears about this he will use The Voice on him

Jdotlaw: oh damn

Jdotlaw: alex is screwed

 

——————————————————

 

Alexander was not hiding. He simply had to finish editing these essays for the college paper, that project for finance, (maybe also do something for extra credit?) and do something about the econ lecturer because he was just wrong. Well, that last one was ticked off, he mused. He doubted the man would come back to his class after his performance today - 'capitalism doesn't work' his ass. Washington probably wouldn't be too happy though. Was it his fault the man couldn't back up his arguments? He certainly didn't ask Sorokin to go howling out the room in tears. Honestly, lecturers these days.

Anyway, he had to get this stuff done. The library top floor was almost empty excepting some (by the sounds of it) struggling history students. Alex was just drifting into The Zone when he was interrupted by a muffled shout.

"What the fucking fuck is this finance system honesty who even came up with the damn thing! I chose to major in Revolutionary History for a reason - and it was not to do math."

It seemed one of the other students had cracked, judging by the guys despairing face. And, well, did whatever god there was expect him to ignore that kind of a call for help? Mind made up, Alex strode over the the desk of four seniors, green coat flapping behind his purposeful stride. 

"I did, actually. Do you want a hand?" 

The table of bedraggles students squint at him. 

"You're a freshman. What the hell can you even teach us?"  
Alex sighed. It was always the height huh? He drew up a chair and dropped into it, dragging the laid out out books closer.

"Well to start, I was the First Secretary of the Treasury. I made this finance system."

Silence reigned. The group of four sat up and began to analyse his face.

"I dunno, he is kind of short."

"Everyone was short back then though? The face looks about right." The girl to his right interjected, holding up a textbook to compare to his face.

"Yeah that is true." The Asian guy to her right agreed. "But why do I even have to learn this? It was ages ago and I'm not even American." He began to mutter in Mandarin to himself. 

Alex would be having none of this. He slapped the textbook down, and glaring at the four said,

"1. What the fuck does my height have to do with anything, 2. Yes I am perfectly qualified to teach you this, just you see. and 3.? Stop calling me cocky and this country ridiculous, you decided to come and learn here now suck it up and learn. And yes, I speak Mandarin. Now can we get on with this?"

The shellshocked group stared at him in slight awe. Then they shared a look and slid their textbooks over. 

Four hours later and Alex had finished his explanation, given the group practice essays to write and wandered back to his desk. Their looks of awe were replaced with respect. They understood his previous lives work. They had enjoyed his rum cake (take that John!). His job was complete. Alex went back to his finance project because yeah, it was due at the end of the year, but no harm starting early. 

Another four hours later and he looked up as his work light suddenly shut off, cloaking his yellow law pad in darkness. Night had long since fallen outside and Alex was among the last in the library. He looked up to ream out whoever was fucking with his light and quailed. There stood a very unimpressed General Washington (Dr Warner now, a very very very small corner of his mind murmured) arching an eyebrow and looking fully prepared to whoop his ass. Even as he looked up at the man, his mentor softened and took a seat beside him, snatching the last of the rum cake Alex had forgotten about. 

"Son, what happened with the economics lecturer, and does it have to do with no-one being able to contact you for the last 10 hours?" The gentleness in his tone nearly did it. Alex was about 3 seconds away from crumbling like an aged brick wall.

"He was being an idiot and he wouldn't listen. And I have been working, sir, I gotta keep this scholarship going or its back to Nevis with me." Alex huffed out, staring at his clasped hands. He looked up at Washington, but the mans face just kept Looking. Straight. At. Him. That did it. Alex crumpled into himself.

"He looked past me, sir. He just ignored me, told me to sit down. That if I ever managed to make something of my self then I could talk to him. That I knew nothing, and if I kept going, I would amount to nothing. And its true, sir. Everyone forgot me; I tried so goddam hard," he was almost sobbing now, "everyday I tried and in the end I failed. What's worse, I dragged Betsey down with me, the kids too. Betsey deserved so much more than me, how she can look at me I don't know. I think of Philip all the time sir. I told him not to fire, I told him to wait. He died because Eacker shot him first, because I told him to wait. And it was the right thing to do sir, it was the honourable thing to do. But I killed my son, just as surely as Eacker did. He was there because of my folly, he was shot because of my folly and he died because of my folly. I have failed so many people, sir, I cannot describe it. Maria I ruined in my desperation; I wanted my legacy secure but I destroyed a woman to do it. In the end, what did I do past causing sorrow? My legacy…my legacy was the pain and suffering I left in my wake. I am Icarus sir; I flew too close to the sun on flimsy wings and I fell."

Alex was panting. All these thoughts that had crushed his larynx for months, years, ever since he remembered were spilling out. He was almost doubled over, his head in his hands. He couldn't look at the man who had trusted him, who he must have disappointed. His voice dropped to a whisper,

"All I heard Sorokin say was everything I had been telling myself. I did so much, and so little. I am nothing sir." He looked up at his idol through blurry eyes "I have to be better sir. I have to be. I won't let that be me again, I have to do more." His head dropped to the cradle of his hands once more.

For a few seconds he felt empty. Empty of emotion, of the words that had accompanied him all his life. 

Then a warm hand landed on his shoulder and tugged him into a hard, warm chest and held him there, stroking his hair as he cried silently. Then there was a warm body on his other side, then behind him and there were other hands stroking his hair and murmuring but it all felt like it came from a great distance. Alex slowly opened his eyes. He was almost in Washington's lap, had John sitting on his right, he thought that was Hercules and Laf behind him, rubbing his back. And Betsey, sweet Betsey had pushed his work aside to sit on the table, with Angelica holding his hand and rubbing his arm. Maria looked over her shoulder. All of them were in floods of tears. Even Burr, Madison and Jefferson were hovering in the background looking vaguely horrified. 

Alex closed his eyes. He was exhausted. 

The next he knew it was morning and he was waking up in bed, Betsey and John wrapped around him. He remembered the previous day and embarrassment crashed over him. His phone buzzed. 

175 notifications? Damn. 

He opened the group chat with a wince. looking at the last few pages, he felt guilt and dread settle into his bones.

 

—————————————————

 

Morelikedamnilton: has anyone seen alex? He didn't come to the polisci lecture?

NelsonMa: no sorry

Tomjemmings: I heard he missed a journalism club meeting but more importantly we were meant to meet to discuss debate strategy and he didnt even fuckign message to say he would miss it

Mamjer: has he been kidnapped.

Jdotlaw: @angelsky have you heard anything?

Angelsky: why does everyone assume I know anything? But the last I heard he was heading to the library post econ breakdown and it seems so far he has missed the journalism meeting, a private meeting with GWash and then the polisci lecture, also was meant to attend a seminar on legal ethics and have dinner with the 3 musketeers?

Jdotlaw: because you do. but guys seriously, alex doesnt miss this stuff

Colderthancold: so we last have a library sighting at what, 11am?

Mamjer: I was in the library 4-6pm and didnt see him.

Shotshotshot: guys you gotta find him he doesnt do this im scared

Lagayette: wait mes amis, I overheard a convo that he was tutoring 'istory students about post-revolutionary finance? might be wrong becuase they said he brought food that tasted like and i quote 'orgasm in the mouth'. also apparently he understands mandarin?

Morethandamnilton: ok ive heard enough, i am worried. 

Morethandamilton: @adotfightme , please respond, are you ok

Angelsky: alex come on, dont worry lizzie

Jdotlaw: alex? please just let us know youre alive, its been 9 hours since weve heard from you

 

————————————

 

Tailorsoldierspy: its been half an hour i think we should bring out the big guns

Tailorsoldierspy: @Gwar sir alex has been missing for over 9 hours and wont reply on the chat

Gwar: Shit

Gwar: Ok we'll look for him. First, let's all check the library. I will take top floor with John and Elizabeth. Gilbert, Hercules, Angelica, Maria you have the middle. Jefferson, Burr, Madison you take ground floor. Message if you find him. Understood?

Tomjemmings: yes your excellency

Mamjer: understood sir

NelsonMa: got it

Morelikedamnilton: yes

Tailorsoldierspy: lets do this

Jdotlaw: yessir

Colderthancold: lets go

Lagayette: oui

Angelsky: damn right

————————————

Jdotlaw: found on top floor, back stacks.

Mamjer: No wonder i didnt see him. ground floor on our way

Morelikedamnilton: he doesn't look good, gwash gonna talk to him first he hasnt noticed us

Lagayette: shit, middle floor on our way

Shotshotshot: update me with more details as it comes

Jdotlaw: get here now

 

—————————————

 

Angelsky: I never want to see that again. 

Nelsonma: I am crying

Tailorsoldierspy: aren't we all

Lagayette: this is unacceptable

Tomjemmings: that was…i have no words

Mamjer: you dont say, i feel sick

Shotshotshot: guys what happened

Colderthancold: everyone come to 176 so we can set up a schedule so that alex is never alone

Lagayette: agreed on our way

Morelikedamilton: update: he's asleep in bed, me and john are with him

Jdotlaw: he looks so tired. @shotshotsht you dont want to know

Tailorsoldierspy: lets leave it at crippling self-doubt combined with a huge guilt complex and probable long lasting depression. 

Shotshotshot: shitshitshitfuck 

Shotshotshot: look after him 

 

\---------------------

 

Alex dropped his phone back on the sidetable. John shifts against his back. Theres a whisper against the back of his neck.

"Do you want to talk?"

"Not really."

"Ok. Go back to sleep baby." Arms tighten around him. 

Alex sleeps once more, the scent of Betsy's shampoo in his nostrils. He may be Icarus but his friends had caught him. 

He knows he will have to talk about this at some point, but for now? He feels safe. And that is enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander has a lot to do and has slept way too much. Or that's what he thinks.
> 
> AKA
> 
> Move out the way, Eliza has a speech to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone!
> 
> I didn't think I would get another chapter out this quickly - I had planned on sketching a modern Jefferson's fashion. Unfortunately the train is apparently not the ideal place to do that. So here - have a bit more of Catching Icarus.
> 
> As ever, for the wonderful kookookarli, or as I prefer - best of authors.

Alex was awake. The late afternoon sun made him dozy, curled around his Betsey and being spooned by his John. Sadly, he had to make a decision now; how the hell could he minimise fallout from this episode?

Stress? Well yes, but he had never not been stressed so that wouldn't fly.

Mental break? Somewhat accurate, but would result in him being pulled out of the debating, law, and journalism society. Potentially even the reduction of classes! Not an option, clearly.

Actually owning up to what happened? Nah. His friends (and they were friends, he knew now for sure) would just be even more worried, and make the sad faces that just made him want to cry.

Seems like option four it was. Ignore that it ever happened and hope that they would go with it. (He knew that they wouldn't but what else could he do?)  
In any case, he had wasted way too much time already, sleeping like that. Alex slid gently past Betsey, turning his loves into one another. With what he knew was a sappy smile, he turned away to get dressed and settle down to do some work. First he had to prepare for the next months classes. He was meant to do that ethics seminar too wasn't he? Maybe there would be someone he could crib notes off, however unsatisfactory they would be. He would have to set up another meeting with Jefferson - Thomas. He would be insufferable at getting one over him (a horrified and scared face loomed out of the gloom of the library depths, tears building in the corners of his eyes).

Digging through the stacks of paper on his desk - there were those essays for the college papers, thankyou whoever brought them back (John and Betseys sobs and shaking fingers in his hair, squeezing his hand). Finally he reached the finance notes he had barely got halfway through yesterday before being interrupted (Angelica and Maria's silent streams of tears, stroking his arm, looking helpless).

Alex breathes. 7 in. 11 out. Focus.

————–––————

A snuffling sound from the bed next got his attention. He looked over at the pair, Betsey beginning to wake up, her hand reaching out and groping John's chest. An appreciative hum and she opened her eyes, her hand sliding over his pecs. Then she jolted upright, eyes scanning the bed, worry lining her face. She frantically grabbed and shook John awake before Alex could get her attention, and upon seeing an Alexless bed he too freaked out.

Alex cleared his throat. Two sleep-missed heads turned to him immediately, followed by Betsey wrapping herself around his seated form. Alex tucked her up into a hug, and felt his collar grow wet. Alex panicked.

"Betsey, love, it's ok. Everything's alright my darling, please don't cry. I'm here, John's here. It will all be fine my love, please..." He trailed off into murmurs of love and devotion until she seemed to calm down. Once the sobbing subsided, they drew a little apart. Her expression was now determined; she scrubbed her eyes of tears and stared him straight in the eye.

"Alex."

"Betsey."  
￼  
"You are an idiot. I thought we had already gone over this but clearly we haven't been obvious enough. You are truly moronic." Alex was no fool. When something was said in that tone, you agreed or you died. When he cautiously nodded in agreement, she continued,

"Alex my darling, I adore you. I always have. I know you have control issues, but you cannot control this: I am utterly, irrevocably, in love with you. It is my choice to stay with you. What I did after you" her voice hitches "died, I did knowing that there was no guarantee of you being remembered, or of seeing you again. I founded that orphanage, I fundraised, I dedicated my life to yours. I do not regret it. How could I? Oh my Alex, you called yourself Icarus - how can you not see that you are the sun?" Alex was stunned silent. Warm hands, familiar hands, cupped his cheeks and made his chin rise (since when had his head been bowed with weight?) to look her in the eye.

"You shine, my Alexander, on all who behold you. And I? I learned to make my wings of diamond and titanium so that I can fly alongside you. I do not say this to upset you" her hands wiped tears from his cheeks, "but to illustrate this: I could have chosen to be a bystander and gaze on you from afar. I did not. And now I see that trying to show you was not enough, so I must use your beloved words. Alex, what is past is past. You have atoned. I have forgiven you. Let us move on together, looking to the future." She slid off his lap and headed to the door. "But if you ever cheat again, I will murder you." With that last note, she slid out the room, leaving the Alex in the chair.

In the ensuing quiet, John rose to his feet and quickly remade the bed. He patted the spot beside him in a clear invitation. Alex stepped away from the desk and gazed into clear dark eyes, searching his first loves face for his opinion.

John didn't seem to have one.

His face was clear and calm, his eyes warm and unjudging. Alex kind of wanted to curl up in his lap and never leave. Sadly, he had recently begun to exercise self control and refrained.

"John?" Alex's voice was unexpectedly quiet. "John, are we..I mean do you still...i would understand if you decided..."

"God no, Alex. I love you, till the end of the world and back, in every life we have. I am never letting you go. But I think that that was the problem. I left you too soon the last time round. Fortunately, that impartiality makes me a good listener now. Alex, please, talk to me. Yesterday was a nightmare I never want to repeat. You, you were so upset and I didn't know how to help..." 

Alex looked down at his hands. John sounded so worried. He hadn't wanted this at all - that was why he had just been swallowing everything down, because what right did he have to make anyone else unhappy after all the people he had hurt before? But John just continued,

"Alex, I know what you're thinking. You think you're a terrible person for upsetting me and that everything is your fault. Well baby, from the sounds of it you did fuck up. From the sounds of it, most people did. Maria could have told you that she was being forced to seduce you. You could have said no. While the onus of the blame is on you," Alex cringed "other things could have happened. But they didn't. You cannot change that. But in case you couldn't hear our Eliza just now, she forgives you. Now you need to forgive yourself."

Alex was slumped next to John on the bed, his mind whirling. Betsey seemed to have forgiven him, that he couldn't deny. (He would still be writing her poetry expressing his adoration though, she deserved that in any case). But could he really set aside what had happened? He wasn't sure. What he really did need was to talk to the others and make sure they weren't going to do anything about last night. This talk had been difficult enough. He didn't think he could manage another without crawling into bed and never coming out. And really, if he wanted to get on with things in this new life of his, then he probably should-

"Oh shit. Shit shit shit." 

"Alex?"

"Fucking Jefferson. Fucking debate. The newspaper. Shit. Finance. PoliSci. I've missed so much John, they're gonna kick me out of college, Jefferson is gonna be smug, Adams will fucking laugh; this is a disaster!"

Alex began to run around the room like a panicked chicken, collecting papers and files and stuffing them into his bag like a madman. He dashed for the door, pausing to put a kiss on John's cheekbefore bolting out the door.

\-----------

Adotfightme: well last night was a bit of a shitshow

Adotfightme: my bad

Adotfightme: but moving on has anyone got notes I can use for the PoliSci lecture, @tomjemmings can we set up another time to meet re debate, gotta get this stuff to the paper now

Angelsky: alex what r u doing

Tomjemmings: y aren't u with @morelikedamnilton or @jdotlaw

Tomjemmings: yes pm me

Mamjer: what he said

Nelsonma: alex srsly wtf are u doing up and around

Adotfightme: @angelsky @nelsonma stuff. Y r u all panicking that's my job

Lagayette: not funny

Lagayette: I am with George now and he says to 'go back to your room and if you can't sleep then we need to have a talk.'

Adotfightme: please never call him George infront of me again

Adotfightme: also no time for that, got things to study

Colderthancold: you are literally 2 months ahead. I saw your notes.

Adotfightme: thanks for bringing them back burr now please never help me again

Adotfightme: please don't make this awkward guys

Morelikedamnilton: go. Do your thing. But dinner tonight with the whole group, yes including GWash, 7pm at 177(6)

Morelikedamnilton: do NOT be late or we will come and find you and never leave your side again.

Adotfightme: yes ma'am.

\------------

Morelikedamnilton created group Protect Alex 2k16

Morelikedamnilton added Jdotlaw, Lagayette, Tailorsoldierspy, Angelsky, nelsonma, tomjemmings, mamjer, colderthancold, gwar, DoriBer

Morelikedamnilton: guys youre spooking him

Jdotlaw: if he knows he is being protected he will fight harder and feel guiltier

Jdotlaw: he's already trying to bury himself in work again, though thats really just alex in general

Colderthancold: a meeting tonight to dispel initial suspicion, then the roster begins. all know what we're doing?

Mamjer: Tom and I say yes

Nelsonma: were all ready over here

DoriBer: wait

DoriBer: I didn't know him that well tho

Jdotlaw: yes but ive been thinking

Jdotlaw: he needs to talk to someone

Jdotlaw: and u (and me) arent as tangled up in last lives mess DoriBer: this is true

DoriBer: so just talking to him for me then?

Angelsky: just be his friend, thats all he ever wants

Lagayette: oui we understand over here

Lagayette: are you well hercules @tailorsoldierspy 

Tailorsoldierspy: yes and no

Tailorsoldierspy: but once alex begins to like himself again 

Tailorsoldierspy: I will be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the wonderful comments and kudos given. You are all amazing, and I hope you enjoy and give a review if you can! Send suggestions, ideas, anything. 
> 
> <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forgiveness; Can you imagine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long! I have had Real Life to deal with. I hope to come back son with a new plot line cause I feel this one had plot threads that I will need to tie up over a longer period of time. Maybe I will do an epilogue and then start a new fic! who knows. I hope you enjoy. As always, this chapter goes out to Kookookarli, the Best of Authors. Maestro, this is for you <3

So Alex did turn up to dinner in the end. As much as he tried to avoid the kind of talk that would expose his deeper emotions, he knew his friends would insist on it. Afterall, that night had been a mess, he hadn't cried quite like that in years. 

Adotfightme: im on my way guys

Adotfightme: have u all got dinner already?

Jdotlaw: yep, chinese cool?

Adotfightme: always

Ok, so Alex was nervous about this whole group dinner thing; he had shown how screwed up he was in probably the most spectacular fashion that existed. He hoped Phillip wasn't there, they hadn't been able to keep up in person since he went to college in a different state but they messaged every day. He hadn't said anything about the last few days. Hopefully that meant that Betsey hadn't told him, god knows his (perfect, wonderful, clever) son didn't need his old man to worry about. 

The dorm room door loomed ahead of him. He could hear quiet chatter through it and the smell of soy sauce and prawn toast wafted through the hallway. Alex centred himself and opened the door, swinging his bookbag up onto his bunk. The room had perceptibly quietened when he walked in, all his friends looking at him from the corner of their eyes and his mentor looking directly at him for Washington was not overfond of subterfuge. Rather than bring up the issue then, the group had dinner, the characteristic chatter all sounded far away to Alex's ears as he ate his meal without tasting it. 

Soon enough everyone was finished and the last of the awkward conversation fell away ("Oui, their new line of lipstick is fantastic, you should try some ma cherie") to a revealing silence. Alex looked up into his mentor's eyes, feeling as though his head was breaking some invisible skein of water as he did so. Suddenly, the silence was deafening. 

"So, guys. Talking, thats something you wanted to do, yeah, so lets do it - Wait! Laf I'm so sorry, that was a gender-neutral 'guys' not, like, a male thing, 'cause that would be ridiculous, there are girls here too and they can whoop my ass any day, non-sexually, except I dunno maybe sexually too now that I think about it-"

"Son. Breathe." Washington cut off his babble, not un-gently. "We aren't red coats, we aren't gonna interrogate you. You can tell us as much or as little as you like." There were nods from round the table. 

"But Alexander, husband mine, we are worried. You remember your life in high definition, every emotion imprinted onto your soul. Alex, you feel guilt. I, we, would be surprised if you didn't because, love, you did mess up."

"Alex," John took over from Eliza, "we all screw up. No exceptions. I didn't tell you about Martha did I? That hurt you to find out right?" Alex nodded, his eyes still on the scuffed table.

"Hey. Can you look at me? That's it. Lets clear up one thing right here, ok? I chose to sleep with you Alex. Yes, James was abusive but I knew you to be honourable which is why I approached you for money. I could have told you about the whole thing and you would have helped me. I approached you at a time I knew you were emotionally vulnerable, when you had barely slept or eaten in days. I slept with you of my own free will Alex, you didn't rape me or anything. I knew what I was doing and I enjoyed being with you. So don't you bullying yourself with the reputation I gained." 

"That is a bit of an over simplification 'Ria. Divorce wasn't all that easy, and getting you away from that foul ruffian would have been unpleasant for you. And, you had to give your daughter up because of the scandal. How can I not blame myself? I remember well the loss of a child" his voice trailed off, thick with tears even a lifetime later, "and having one alive but unable to communicate with them is worse."

"Alex. I think I can tell you how my life was, I don't remeber most of it all that clearly, but I didn't suffer in my later years. I changed my name and moved on. I think that now Alex, you need to do the same."

Alex scrubbed his face with his palms. "Hamilton." He looked up in slight surprise at the next speaker. Jefferson he had somewhat tried to trample over in his search for a legacy but the man had always stood his ground. Unless he had been more thoughtless than he had originally believed. 

"Hamilton, your face is way too expressive. I can't believe I have to say thing but they're right. You shouldn't take all this guilt onto yourself in this life. If I did that, well, look at me. I don't exactly have the best relationship with my past delves actions. But I have come to terms with the fact that they are in the past. You should let them stay there." 

Before Alex could respond to that unusually open response, another voice cut in.

"Alexander. I think it comes down to this. You have freed me from the guilt of your death. Perhaps you should let your partners do the same for you."

——————————————————————————————————————————

Gwar: I think that went well.

Mamjer: as well as it was going to anyway. 

Tomjemmings: @colderthancold u actually seemed to get through 2 him at the end there @tailorsoldierspy agrees 

Colderthancold: he punched out a guy who tried to insult me using alex's death. apparently only we are allowed to do that. 

Doriber: i didnt even kno alex that well 1st time round but that was a guilt complex if ever i saw one

Lagayette: at least he is getting cuddles now, or perhaps a little more

Gwar: I draw the line there.

Angelsky: so alex protection squad schedule starts tomorrow

Angelsky: im up first i think

Tomjemmings: are we protecting alex or being protection against alex

Mamjer: both

Mamjer: thats fairly obvious thomas, r u ok

Tailorsoldierspy: sorry bout that

Colderthancold: I do not want to think about that ever again

Angelsky: ok but back to the point of this chat

Angelsky: i think that talk actually helped a bit? 

Doriber: agree but i didnt think @Elamistress remembered her life that clearly? 

Elamistress: i dont

Elamistress: i remember very vague, very good sex

Elamistress: but he doesnt need that shit on his shoulders, i may not remeber but that doesnt mean it isnt true, there isnt very much about me floating round the net

Elamistress: so its better if we all let the past go here

Jdotlaw: u r an actual angel  
Morelikedamniton: agree

Morelikedamnilton: alex is in his own headspace now, u know when he retreats into his own thoughts to write,

Morelikedamnilton: but we managed to sort some stuff out so that was great

Jdotlaw: we started this talk as a decoy to the Schedule but he seems to have benefitted a lot

Jdotlaw: thanks all

Jdotlaw: cant believe im saying it but thanks burr

Jdotlaw: u rlly got thru to him

Elamistress: ok alex has stopped chillling out to music and journalling

Elamistress: chat tomorr

Angelsky: ok. thats happening. i gotta go to the library and work. c u all tmr

Mamjer: night

Doriber: @colderthancold my room is free

Colderthancold: on my way

——————————————————————————————————————

The next day Alex bounced through his classes. He tutored those four junior students who seemed to have multiplied into eight overnight in US History and Politics (with a few side-rants on the state of the economy so forceful that a couple of people had whipped out their phones and began filming him). He even managed to take a break and bake a little more. Overall, Alex fulfilled his goal list for the day with time to spare. 

It was amazing what sleep, his darlings, and a talk could do. Even though that anxious furor of words still sat in a ball in his chest, he did feel lighter. He knew he still had a lot of stuff to do, a lot of problem to address. His Excellency hadn't said barely anything last night and that was probably a bit not good. Everyone had been a little coddling since the library incident but were trying to hide it. He had even got some good debating in with Angelica this morning and just worked with Herc at his side at lunch. It had felt good to just be with his friends without the stress of debate or the past hanging over them. 

Perhaps there was something to this whole self-acceptance thing after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the new chapter! As ever, please review/kudos. They are like shooting stars...
> 
> Also, send in ideas you would like to see come up soon! I may be able to discuss them with El Maestro themself.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Alex's Big Day Out, ft. Introspection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I know its been forever. I am very sorry for the lateness but real life comes first for me. 
> 
> I hope you all like this chapter - I did promise some more Aaron to a lovely reviewer so here it is!

It had been over a month since The Intervention (as the group had begun to call those terrible few days) and the Alex Schedule was still going, Alex himself seemed a lot better and in general, things had begun to calm down. 

Aaron of course, was doing fine. Aaron was always fine. In fact, today he was doing great because-

"Aaron, wake up or I'm coming in there to wake you up." 

-Theodosia was here. His Dori (and even now, several months into the year he still sometimes couldn't believe she was here, alive) was wide awake at 8am and jumping onto his bed. Aaron blearily opened his eyes to drink her in as she slid under the covers and nestled against his chest, her head over his heart. 

"Come on slowpoke, everyone is here already! Peggy just got here and even Angie is up and showering." Dori bounced back out of bed and to his closet.

With a groan Aaron slid out of bed and staggered off to perform his morning ablutions. Ten minutes later he was dressed in a Dori-approved outfit and ready to go. The whole group was milling in the hallways between dorms, ready to go out 'for a day of fun and outside activity —no the walk to the library doesn't count as outside activity Alex'', as Lizzie had put it last night. 

Watching the crowd of friends, Aaron was happy. It sometimes seemed strange to him that these people considered him a friend. He had always been so average before this, with no close friends or enemies, no great likes or dislikes. It was as if he had been in stasis before this, some holdover of apathy from those miserable last forty years he had previously lived. But chatting with James and Thomas again, he had felt some spark within him re-light; that desire to do something with himself and make his family proud that had elevated him to Vice-President - and ruined everything. He had been terrified at first. That ruinous ambition had reared his head and he had seen how it had ended before, with bloodshed and split families and pain. 

Reassurance on this matter had actually come from Alexander. Alex knew all too well the follies of ambition. He had succumbed to them, missing out on his family to work, and sleeping with Maria as an instant relaxation technique instead of reducing his workload. Alex had ruined himself with ambition long before he was killed (shot Aaron, you duelled him and shot him and killed him and oh god his blood—).

Alex had sat down with him just a few months before his own breakdown and they had talked. It had been therapeutic in many ways. When people found out that Aaron remembered only very fragmentary shards of his past they assumed that either he was lying and was entirely wicked, or that he was little different from a blank slate, with no underlying trauma from his previous life. The latter was patently false. He remembers red blood on a white shirt, his Dosia's last words, snippets of the letter reporting Theo's loss at sea, the end of all things good. 

Before their conversation, his interactions with Alex had been somehow steeped in the history of their past together, tainted by their last meeting in a former life. It was not until Alex explained that he had remembered long before college and had slowly begun to forgive Aaron from the moment he slugged Aaron across the face that Aaron had let the grey weight of guilt slide from him. He had cried his eyes out onto a panicking Alex for a solid half hour. They had gone for lunch, just the two of them, at least once a week ever since. Aaron wasn't fully better, not yet. His flashbacks sometimes overwhelmed him. But he had been learning to cope with help from Dori, whom had understood from the start.

Having to explain to Alex that he should let the past go had been a slap in the face. Although Alex had said that he had forgiven Aaron it seemed that Alex had been unable to forgive himself. That breakdown had certainly helped Alex but what Aaron said to him over dinner, well, it had brought up questions in those who were not Alex or Dori. He had managed to avoid Angelica and Thomas' somewhat aggressive shows of concern but from the way they were eyeing him today he guessed he wouldn't be alone for long. 

He caught sight of Alex across the hall and moved towards him quickly; he didn't want to deal with an interrogation onto his feelings today. He still preferred to show none. Grabbing him by the arm, Aaron murmured into his ear

"Just where are your lady-loves? And what on earth are we doing today?"

Alex was engrossed with his phone.

"Outside somewhere. Not a clue."

With a sigh, Aaron gave up and opened the groupchat that had been buzzing messages against his leg for the last ten minutes.

Oh god - over 200 messages?

———————————————————————————————————————————

Colderthancold: someone update me. thats way too many messages to read thru

Adotfightme: good to see u finally got w/ the program ;) betsy and maria REFUSE to say whats gonna happn

Mamjer: and theyre all being in-love morons

Tomjemmings: sorry jemmy its just?? herc is so b e a u t ilhsm

Mamjer: im not offended its just nauseatingly adorable

Tailorsoldierspy: not sorry <3 u @tomjemmings

Morelikedamnilton: alright guys u can come to the front lawn! were ready!!!

Elamistress: its gonna be gooood

Elamistress: im proud of this shit

Adotfightme: if @jdotlaw and @lagayette could detach from their super shady convo and come on thatd be gr8

Jdotlaw: dont be jelly baby, u know that laf is all for gwash

Lagayette: damn straight

Lagayette: as u americans say

Tailorsoldierspy: dont even try to pretend u dont understand us laf, your more patriotic than the rest of us put together

Tomjemmings: ahem

Tomjemmings: who dies on 4th july here  
Lagayette: who got grave dirt shipped over from the US to be buried in? hmmm? c'etait moi.

Jdotlaw: ok lets not fight this one out

Elamistress: and get tf down here

Adotfightme: almost there! cmon guys

———————————————————————————————————————————

Alex was enthusiastic this morning, Aaron mused as he was being dragged down the portico outside on the most direct route to the lawn. Then again, he was always enthusiastic - until he was slumped crying in a bedraggled heap in the darkened library. Aaron shook himself. Now was not the time for dwelling on things like that - it was done with as far as Aaron could help.

As the pair jogged across the grass to where Lizzie and Maria were waiting, with the rest following quickly behind, Aaron resolved to, for today, focus on the now. He would enjoy this break from exams and coursework. 

The one remaining question he had, however, was—

"If I may..? What on earth is going to go on here?" There was a blackboard and chalk, a huge pile of blankets, a large covered basket, a few full trash bags and various equipment laid out across the lawn, most of it kids play equipment like jumping ropes and hoops.

"Well Aaron, we," Maria flung her arm around Lizzie "decided that we all need to let off steam. So, we are going to split into teams and have a competition outside. In the sun." Here they both looked pointedly at Alex and Thomas, both of whom had the grace to look at least a little sheepish at their long hours studying inside. "Unless there are any….complaints?" Everyone knew that that was not a real question.

They spent the morning playing round doing silly games like which team could skip the most people inside a rope at the same time and balancing a bean bag on your head while running laps of the lawn. The large basket was revealed to be a huge lunch of Alex and Lizzie's cooking (who had presumably been hooked into this all earlier than the rest of them, though when confronted her played innocent. Until he had been thrown into the lake, then it was war and everyone ended up soaked.

In the afternoon was when they came to play with the stuff in the trashbags. When they were about to begin with a game of baseball however, Alex spoke up.

"Why is one bag over with the stuff we used? We havent used nay of this yet and we only loaned it for like a day right? Might as well use it all."

There was an awkward silence. Finally John replied. 

"Ah, we had a quick look in there at lunch and we thought maybe it was a bad idea to use that stuff. Like, this is gonna be way more fun!"

"Oui, mes ami we simply thought-"

"Baseball is an awesome sport y'all, don't complain-"

"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much." Aaron murmured.  
"We weren't complaining. But if you don't want to play so much, then we had better see what it is so we don't hire it next time." Alex strode over and turned the bag upside down. 

Out fell 12 nerf guns at Alex's feet.

Tension ran rampant through the group. Alex and Aaron caught each other's eyes over the projectile weapons for a long moment. They burst into laughter. 

"What?"

"Hey! We were-"

"…didnt want you to have to see, bad-"

"…may have caused flashbacks and stuff and we didn't want to-"

"…cause distress-"

The group all spoke over each other trying to explain to the mirthful men. 

Aaron finally silenced them. "Guys! Guys it's fine. Alex and I, we have our bad days. But we wont collapse at a pair of nerf guns."

"Don't you guys remember us going to see the actual guns? I was fine then right?"

Everyone looked a little embarrassed until James muttered a quiet

"Told y'all so."

"Oh shut up, Jemmy." Thomas snapped back, flushing all over his face and neck.

Aaron and Alex eyed each other. They were in agreement here. 

"Lets go back to baseball. These can wait."

The group returned to the makeshift pitch and Aaron prepared his first throw for Alex, his backstop, to catch. 

They weren't gonna throw away this shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it. Please, point out typos and such - anything not text speech shouldn't be there!
> 
> Reviews and Kudos are incredibly precious to me. Please please comment - it inspires me to write chapters like this one!
> 
> Also- I'm on tumblr as classicalcassiopeia so come along and have a look at my edits for the 177(6) Verse under the 177(6) Verse tag, my other edits under the 'my edits' tag and my sketching under 'my art' tag. I always am open to suggestions and requests from almost any fandom. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Love you all.

**Author's Note:**

> Please send corrections for French, I haven't done it in 7 years.
> 
> Hope you all liked!, kudos/reviews are gold dust.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I Wish I Could Say That Was the Last Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7665076) by [haloburns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haloburns/pseuds/haloburns)




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